OB's Altercations and Fracuses
with Officers of the Law

A melange of anecdotes and tales of good, clean fun and
officers with their craniums lodged deep in their anal cavity

Last 12/28/98

The Early Years | Spring '92 | Summer '92 I | Summer '92 II
Summer '93 | Summer '94 | Fall '94 | Spring '98

The Early Years

Summer '90 : I remember very shortly after getting my license... (maybe even a day or two) - and I went over and picked up Chuck and we went for a ride. My dad's car at the time was real good at peeling out. ;-) Anyway... it has just rained a little, so the roads were wet... and Chuck and I were cruising along in Auburn by Thomas Park. At a stop sign, I said to Chuck "check this out!" and proceeded to peel out while making a right turn... only because it was wet and I over corrected, the car went up into the yard of the house on the corner...! It was only for a second because I steered out of it pretty quick... but of course there was a cop sitting at the next street, slightly behind the bush... waiting to turn in my direction.

He flashed his lights real quick... I stopped... he pulled up beside me, facing the other direction. It was the Chief of Police! His first name (no joke) was Buck. He kinda just looked at me and said "what's going on?" I tried to look as innocent as I could... and just said something like "well... you know, I misjudged the rain and everything... I haven't been driving long... I just hit the gas too hard... blah blah..." heh. He kinda half smiled... asked me if it was my dad's car, to which I replied affirmatively. He then said with a big grin... "he'll kick your ass!"

Spring '92

Spring break '92... my big bro offers to take me anywhere I want to go for a roadtrip - free of charge. Being 17, I of course picked Florida. I was hyped and we were all set to go, so we took off... the plan was to drive through in one clean shot, alternating driving time and naps. We took Jeff's 'lil Honda Civic, and he told me I couldn't go over 85. I couldn't really handle much driving, but I was actually awake and at the wheel at about 3 in the morning outside of Macon, GA when I got caught up in a little driving posse. You see, when I would wake up from a nap, Jeff would tell me all about this group of people he was just crusing with... about how they would take turns with the lead and how he was going like 95 at one point... and all this crazy stuff. Like it was some freaky race. He was all geeked about it. Well... he was sleepin', it was late and I was all fueled up with Mountain Dew... so I lead my own pack. There were only a few cars with me since it was so late, but we were haulin' ass at about 90 MPH... when all of a sudden, it seemed like I was the only one left in the pack... and there was a car with blue lights flashin' behind me. I wasn't even sure I was being pulled over at first - I'd never seen a cop car with two blue lights (instead of one red/one blue). Jeff began to wake up... and I said "Jeff... I think I'm busted..." doh!

So I pulled over... and waited for the copper to come talk to me, but he never did. Instead I heard a voice coming over the speaker of the cop car, asking me to come over to his car! That was new to me! Wow, so I got out... went over to his car! He was very, very business like... very much unlike the Auburn cops who had their head up their ass with an agenda to try and piss you off. This GA cop was cool - he asked me if I had been drinking... (no) but asked me to take the breathalizer - no problem. I passed, he told me to slow down, no big deal. I got a ticket... and for going 90 in a 65, it was pretty cheap at $96. But still, it was my first ticket (and the folks don't know about it to this day). Jeff made fun of me for awhile... even going as far as to call me A.J. (as in Foyt) around the parents! doh!

Summer of '92 I

So, Mike D and I are watching some TV or something, shooting the shit on a weekend night back when - it's the night before he goes to Germany on a German Club field trip. We get a hankerin' for some Dunkin' Donuts (it happens). We take off to DD in Mike's car and all is well. We're on the strip uptown and we spot a cop car up near the interstate exchange that had pulled someone over. I thought I recognized the pulled-over car, so I told Mike to drive around the cop car so we can see who it is. So... off we go, and we get up to the car and I didn't know who it was, but it was a couple kids our age.

Anyway... Mike goes up and turns around and we head back into town and past the cop. But, I get some kind of rebellious dumb-ass urge in me to yell at the cop as we pass by. I lean over to Mike's side a little and yell "DICK!!!" really freakin' loud. Mike is more than a little peeved at me for yelling; at the time Mike was not anti-Auburn Copper. I calm him down and we keep going on to DD which is only a quarter mile down the road from where the cop was. We go in and order our D-Nuts and we walk back out the door and - wham! there is the cop, parked perpendicular directly behind Mike's car, blocking him from leaving. He's leaning out the window and tells us he wants to speak to us, one at a time - "you first (points at Mike) and then you (points at me)." Mike and I look at each other... and what to do? Mike gets in the cop car.

They were in there for a couple minutes... then Mike gets out and Occifer looks at me to get in. If I had any balls and would have thought about it, I would not have gotten in. He had no right to tell us to get in his car. At least with not charging us or something like that. If I would have said no, what was he gonna do? But I did, and I got in there and he's giving me all this shit like "is there a problem? cuz you know, if you yell like that, you WILL be pulled over and asked if there is a problem." and I'm just going, "no, sir..." somewhat sarcastically. He asked me if I had my license because apparently Mike had packed his wallet in his suitcase for Germany already! So, I pulled it out and showed it to him, he noticed I have the restriction that I have to wear glasses/contacts and he asks me if I have my glasses on me, I say no - that I wear contacts. He kinda leans over to look in my eyes (!) and I don't really think he's serious - but I lean over and pull my eyes open so he can get a good look. Guh! I did it more as a "yeah, right" move but he wanted to get right in there and see for sure. Geezus.

Well, he said something like "you might want to drive his car home cuz apparently your buddy there forgot his license." Whatever, dude. I don't remember what all he said but he was a total ass (not that we didn't deserve it, but he had no proof of what we said or that it was even us). I should have asked him in the car what he thought we said. He never mentioned anything about the content. Anyway - we were leaving and I was driving, of course - and we wanted to go to Ponderosa next door (where I worked) to hang out but the copper had blocked it off and was waiting for us to leave. Asshole. So we (I) drive by and then he follows us downtown for the first few minutes. ASShole. Needless to say, Mike was won over in the Auburn Copper department. Mike's first words in the car (I think) were : "what a dick!"

Summer of '92 II

Here's a funny one:
Ok, first of all - get this: about maybe 7 or 8 years ago (or maybe longer) someone called the house in the middle of the night. I remember being up in my room and hearing my folks wake up and talk about something... and my dad going into the kitchen and getting something, and leaving... I didn't know what the hell happened, (I was only 14 or something so I didn't ask.) ok, remember that. heh.

The summer after my senior year of HS (wow, that was... damn, 6 years ago) my friend Mike and I were hanging out at my house. We were watching the NBA playoffs, probably the Bulls... chillin' ya know. Game is over, its about 10 oclock, he needs to get back home, and I drove him - even though its only like 4 blocks away. We took my car, Helen (plymouth Horizon) and we were off... ok, my street is a cul-de-sac or whatever, and it only goes out one way - and one block down the road, there were all these garbage bags laid out in the middle of it! Doh! I swerved around and in between them just barely, and kept on going... at the end of the street there were some more! (It was garbage day , the next day, obviously). We couldn't get through those without mauling them, so Mike got out, put them back on the curb, hopped back in, and we were on our way to his house... then of course on that street there were more! We swerved through them, passed a car coming the opposite direction and then on to Mikey's which was just a block past that... I drop him off, and head back home, swerving through the same bags before getting home. I was hungry so I watched some more TV and had some Ritz bits or something. About 20 minutes after I got back, there's a knock on the door... I thought it would be Mike, but uh... nope. Two coppers.
First cop says - Your father home?
- You wanna go get him?
He's asleep.
- Go get him, anyway.
What's the problem?
- Just go get your dad.
uh, ok....
This was fun. Dad sleeps in the nude, too. (sorry for the visual - imagine my surprise when I first found out).
Psst... dad... wake up... ("why...?") The cops are here... ("WHAT?") ... yeah, I don't know why... but they want to talk to you...

Dad gets up and comes out and cops are waiting by the door.
They tell me this :
"We just got a call from a guy who lives on the corner of this street that he saw two individuals in that car (points to my car on the side of the street) drive down the road, stop and put garbage bags into the street and then drive away... and then he saw that same car return to this house..."


I'm like... no no no no no no .... hold up.
I told him exactly what I just told you, that we put the bags BACK on the curb when we could, and that the bags were all still there when we left and when I returned. The whole time, my dad is looking at me very intently, to see if he thinks I'm lying (this is due to a previous altercation with local police that you will hear at a later date. And that one is a doozy.)

The cop says "well, I have NO reason to NOT believe the guy who called us, I've know him for 12 years and he's a friend of mine and there is no way he would LIE and MAKE this up..."


He asked if I saw anybody "suspicious" or any other vehicles out when we were driving... I told him no, except for the one car we passed. So he asked (in rapid succession...)
"what kinda car was it?'"
I dunno... maybe a mustang....? (you know how you can sometimes recognize makes of car by the headlights and front shape?)
"What color was it?"
no idea...
"Which way was it going?"
Um... south?

I told him to just go talk to Mike and he'd say the exact same thing, and gave him the address. So... they just kinda said "well... watch what you're doing, and don't let it happen again."

So I talked to mike the next day... the cops asked him what happened, and he (and his dad) told him exactly what I told them, of course. Then they had the balls to ask if Mike had "been in contact with me" before they got there. To get our story straight or some shit... Mike's dad said "no, I can vouch for that, my daughter has been on the phone all night... "
hahahaha! punkass!
Oh... and I asked Mike what that car was that we passed? It was a Taurus. Close :-)

The funny thing is... my dad kinda got a kick out of it, and we were talking about it the next day... turns out he recognized one of the cops from way back when... that one time in the middle of the night (that I didn't know what happened) he got a call, from the cops, that there was a bunch of garbage in the street uptown. Why'd they call us? Well, the garbage was from the dumpster that my mom's clothing store put their trash in... and it had the name of the store or her on it, so they called us to come pick it up! My dad went into the kitchen that night to get trash bags! They made him drive uptown and pick the shit up outta the middle of the street while they stood there and watched!

heh. They've been forever dubbed the "trash police".

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