OB's Altercations and Fracuses
with Officers of the Law

A melange of anecdotes and tales of good, clean fun and
officers with their craniums lodged deep in their anal cavity

Last 12/28/98


The Early Years | Spring '92 | Summer '92 I | Summer '92 II
Summer '93 | Summer '94 | Fall '94 | Spring '98


Summer of '93

Here's a quickie...
I'm in Daisy, my car at the time... soon to be dead... and Stan and I are cruising uptown Auburn. I make a right turn and the thing just practically dies on me. We were right on the strip, and I pulled over to the side of the road... the car was still running, but I think there was a fuel pump problem, because it wouldn't go anything past idle speed. If I went faster than 5 mph, it stalled. When it DID stall, it took forever to get it going again... and so I called my dad from a nearby gas station after if stalled, and said I would drive toward the auto shop if it started again. He was going to go the back way and meet me halfway if we did get going, or tow me there if I didn't. So it actually started moving a little, and off we went, on the shoulder of the road at about 5 miles an hour.

So whatayaknow... here comes Mr. Officer and he pulls us over... nice. If I stop, I take the chance of it stalling again and not moving, and if I keep going, I get arrested. So I stopped.
He comes over and gives us some crap about being on the shoulder of a busy road (which it wasn't) and I think he was under the impression I was drunk and driving on the side of the road for fun. I tried to explain the problem and he wasn't having it. He told me to rev the engine, which I did (it would rev, but wouldn't MOVE) - and he said "sounds fine to me" like I was intentionally not allowing myself to drive above 5 mph. So I said "you wanna get in here and drive it?" (I actually can't believe I told him that, but I'm proud that I did...) and he said "uh, no". I told him we were on our way to the mechanic's shop and where it was and he eventually stopped bugging us... but when he went back to his car, he didn't leave right away. And, of course... my car wouldn't go. It stalled again. He stayed behind me for a little while but finally left and didn't say anything before he did... and eventually my dad showed up and the car started moving again. The cop didn't come back. Good thing, ya punk! ;-)


Summer of '94

So I'm in Garrett, Indiana. Heh. Exactly. I'm with my girlfriend at the time... Tina, the really young one. I had just turned 20 and she was actually only 16 - yeah. Don't even ask. Well... ok. I was setup to go out with her and was told she was 17 - when I was 19. We got along really well, though. She's still a friend even though I haven't heard from her in about a year... in the end the age difference just killed it, we're actually pretty similar.

Anyway...
So we're hanging out in this park in town, sitting on a park bench and doing whatever. It's about oh... 11:30 at night. Whenever we would spend time together we had to go somewhere besides her house, her family is borderline FUCKED UP. So - apparently the park is "closed" after 11. We didn't know it of course. A cop car pulls up and this guy (same guy who pulled me over with his lights on in *front* of her house to give me a warning about a headlight being out, earlier in the summer) gets out, with some other lady who wasn't in cop uniform exactly -seemed like some kinda ride along trainee or something. Anyway, they proceed to tell us the park is "closed" and that we have to go. No big deal... they ask us our names and ages, and after hearing she was 16 and me being 20, he gave me some kinda snide ass look and a sarcastic "heh". Whatever.

So we go back to her house, and we just hung out on her porch for about another 2 hours. (It was a weekend I think). Here's an important part of the story - she was sitting on my lap the entire time, and my legs were pretty much in a very awkward position and more or less numbed and asleep the whole time, too. So, I finally leave... tired and sleepy and took off in my car. It was late, no one was in town, and I was going a little fast. I took the rode from Garrett to Auburn (about 2 miles away) and the road kinda curves like a big S the whole way... well, I'm going through the curves (not sharp curves) kinda like a straight line, ya know... just kinda skimming over the center line a little instead of taking the whole curve. No big deal, nobody on the road.

Except that one guy who was a little ways behind me... and of course it turned out to be the same cop and chick that told us to get the hell out the park... he pulls me over, shines his light into my eyes (bloodshot from the contacts and it being so late) and my car (looking for beer cans or something...) and telling me I "took off outta there like a shot!" and that I was "all over the road" and all this shit. He asks me if I've been drinking no less than 5 times. I tell him no every time. Looks into the car again for beer cans. He says since my eyes are bloodshot and since I was driving erratically that he's gonna do sobriety tests on me. So I had to get outta the car.

Of course, 5 minutes after I get out, it starts to rain. He asks me to recite the numbers to 15 or whatever, front and backwards. I walk the straight line, put my finger to my nose. Then, he asks me to stand on one leg... and due to my legs being all cramped and still numb, I can't do it! Doh! I couldn't believe it... While we're waiting for another cop - I try to explain to them what happened... I told them we went back to her house after they said to leave, and that I was sitting in a way that caused my legs to be cramped and also about my contacts, they tried to twist my words around and then the woman actually speaks for the first time "so... you went BACK to the park AFTER we told you to LEAVE?" And I'm like... what?!?! No no no... listen... blah blah blah. I was so pissed. The other cop comes along after a few minues, he had to bring a breathalizer... asks if my buddy needs any help, he says "no, I can handle this one..."

So then he asks me to blow into it, I damn near blow the thing off the machine... he says "whoa.. that's good..." He looks at the readout... throws the old tube on the ground in disgust, hands me back my license and registration (which are now damp from the rain) and tells me to get the hell outta there. Then he asked me if the car used to have a different plate (it used to be my mom's car - when he gave me the warning for the headlight it was still my mom's plate) and I said yeah - then he said "Oh, I thought I've dealt with you before"... and then he left. Then the traintracks that we were stopped directly before, of course, had a train coming down... so I had to wait for that, too.
Ass.


Fall '94

I was still dating Tina at the time, and I had gone back to school. But because I wanted to see her, I went home once in September and then again 2 weeks later in early October for break. Here is what happened:

I am in my car, late on Sunday night going back to school. I'm on US 24, a highway that runs from Ft. Wayne to Logansport. In between, there is hardly more than wide open nothing and a few podunk towns along the way (Peru, Mexico, etc.) Plus, the highway is divided with 4 lanes and it's only 55 mph. Needless to say, I'm cruising along nicely in my car... Now, I don't usually drive all that fast, honestly. But when it's late and I'm traveling a good distance, and it's in the middle of nowhere, and the traffic is mild, and the highway is divided... well. I tend to go a little over 55. Ok, a little over 70, actually. This particular time, I even happen to come along another car with Tippecanoe county plates (Lafayette) so I assume he/she is going the same way, and I just kinda kept up with the other car. Anyway... we're moving right along, and just before we come up to a stop in the road, a cop comes out of NOwhere and puts on his lights. And I immediately look down at my speedometer - but it's only around 65, so I think maybe he's going after the other car who at the time was a little ahead of me and going faster. Well, the cop goes around me (whew!) and then goes in between our two cars - and then sticks his hand outside the window and "waves" me over, while he's pulling the other car over at the same time!
So... he first comes over to me and says "you running with them?" as he points to the other car... and I say "um, nope - don't know who that is"... so he goes over to the other car first and asks me to stick around. He comes over to me eventually and tells me that he clocked me at 72. Then he proceeds to tell me that he'll list it only as 70 because anything over that is double the fine. (Oh, gee sir, thank you). In actuallity, he was pretty straightforward about it and not an asshole. I thanked him and was on my way.

Fast forward two weeks and I'm back on the same road at about the same time (probably a little later in the night, really). As a side note (this will come up later, anyway) - I have a car that has no functional radio. And if you know me, I can't be without music for any length of time. Plus, driving is monotonous enough as it is - so... I know it's bad, but I have been using headphones while driving for awhile, now. (Actually, I would argue it makes me a better driver. I am more awake if there is music playing and therefore more alert!) But anyway - I am cruising along, not too fast, on the same US 24... and for the first hour I didn't use my 'phones - I needed to conserve some battery power. So when I came up to the stop in the road (the same one I was approaching when I got pulled over before) - I put them on. Beastie Boys, Ill Communication. I take off down the road from the stop... and about 3 or 4 miles from the stop, there is an involuntary exit (the road changes direction, but it's the same road and you have to go down a ramp from an overpass...) anyway. I was just getting up the incline to go down the ramp when I notice those familiar red and blue lights flashing behind me... apparently, when I put on my headphones I stopped paying as much attention to my speed. And, since I knew I was going to be slowing down at the exit, I just kinda let my speed do whatever after the stop sign. (Honestly, I wasn't hardly going over 62 or 63 the rest of the way.) But anyway, I got pulled over and my car ended up on the incline just before the overpass (but not until I had taken my 'phones off and stuffed them under the seat). The cop (a State trooper this time - first time it was a county cop) comes over and says almost verbatim what the other guy told me. He clocked me at around 73 or so, but for the ticket he would write only 70 because of the double fines or whatever. (I think it's more paperwork for them, so they just don't wanna do it...)
Then he goes back to his car to fill it out, and then I start a little wallowing when I realize I have recieved my second ticket in 16 days and another $95 is down the drain. I put the car in neutral, put my head down, and took my foot off the break.
Woops.
Yep, you guessed it. The incline was so slight that I didn't notice I was slowly rolling down the hill and into the cop car. I bumped into him. I immediately looked up into my rearview mirror with a severe case of shock and noticed him look up and do the same thing. I pulled the car ahead quickly and he came over to the car :
"What's going on, chief?!"
me - "uh... well.. um.. uh... I'm so sorry, I took my foot off the break and the car was in neutral and... uh... um... I'm sorry, I didn't know it was rolling, um... uh... I'm really sorry..."
him - "well put the parking break on or somethin'!!"
hehe. He went back to his car, and frankly I'm surprised he was as calm as he was. If it were an Auburn cop, I think I woulda been outta the car with my hands behind my head! He gave me the ticket and I was on my way. Incidentally, I killed my first ever animal while driving (that I know of) that weekend. It was a rabbit. Poor bunny.
So.. there you have it. Two speeding tickets separated by barely two weeks at ALMOST the exact same spot and the exact same ticket. Twilight zone shit, I tell ya... and all for a girl. Hmphf. Women.


Spring '98

Here's what the "offical word" is :
>Dear Bucknellians:
>
>I am writing to try to clarify what we believe we know about an unfortunate
>incident that occurred near campus this weekend. The bottom line is that
>approximately 25 students were taken to police headquarters early Sunday
>morning (March 29) after a disturbance in which more than 100 state
>troopers and police from neighboring towns were called to St. Catherine
>Street. [FYI - St. Catherine Street is ONE BLOCK from mine.]
>
>The background is this: at approximately 1 a.m a Lewisburg police officer
>was dispatched to investigate a reported hit-and-run accident on St.
>Catherine Street called in to 911 by those nearby. As the Lewisburg
>officer was attempting to gather information about the accident (in which
>two students were reportedly brushed but not injured) a crowd gathered in
>the street. Police said students threw eggs and beer at the Lewisburg
>police car. Lewisburg police then called for reinforcements.
>
>A crowd of 400 gathered before Vice President Maxwell, Dean Commerford, Mr.
>DeCerchio and I urged those present to disperse and leave the area. All
>but a few complied. Before the police cleared the street, those present
>were ordered to disperse and warned that they would be arrested if they did
>not do so. Police detained about 25 students and bused them to the police
>station where they took information to file charges.
>
>According to authorities, formal charges will be lodged later this week.
>Police said charges may range from disorderly conduct to alcohol
>violations. All of the students were released after being taken to the
>East Buffalo police station. No serious injuries were reported at the
>scene.
>
>The University will review the charges individually to determine whether
>any students should face University disciplinary action. We also will be
>meeting with local authorities to review the disturbance and to see how we
>might work to prevent a similar occurrence in the future.
>
>I am aware that there are many reports and rumors circulating about various
>aspects of this incident, some of which potentially are troubling to me.
>Let me urge all of us to be certain of the accuracy of what we say about
>the situation. Meanwhile, University officials continue to try to learn as
>much as we can about what happened and why.
>
>Richard D. Chapman
>Dean of Students

Ok, so here's the REAL story. Heh.
It's the first REALLY nice weekend of the year, and idiot college students wanna get together and get wasted. There's a strip of student housing about 5 blocks long and 3 blocks wide (of which my house is on the corner of) down right next to campus that a lot of parties happen in. So... actually around 11 pm I was walking down 6th street (right in the middle of party central) on my way to a bar to hang with my pals (yes, a bar, and only the 3rd time I've been to this place the whole year, and I only went on the assurance that I would drink all the pepsi I wanted, for free). And there were already a whole load of people outside on their porches, in the streets, drinking and having a good ol' time. Silly kids. So, we leave the bar when it is decided that I must drive fellow grad students Marci and Ruthie to Dunkin' Donuts around 2 a.m. and we look down 6th street on the way to the car and see a shitload of cop cars... I thought they were just busting kids for being outside drinking or whatever.

So we just went to DD and had cheese and egg samiches and all was right in the world. (Oh yeah, my donuts were free, too) I drive them back home (in Ruthie's car) and proceed to walk home, of course the path I take goes directly down 6th street where (now being 3:30 am or so) all the cop cars STILL are. I count at least 20 cars just down 6th street when I make it to a small group of students watching the whole mess... and then two cops in RIOT gear approach me (helmets, shields, clubs, the whole nine yards) and while trying to explain that I live less than a block and a half away they "nudge" me back down the street with their clubs, all the while yelling "get back in your houses, get outta the street!!!" and then telling me to "pick a house with a couch and go to sleep".

So I just keep going back down the street and double back around to 7th street and of course, there's another 10-15 cop cars and a SCHOOL BUS that they are using as a paddywagon to round up the unruly "rioters". [Did I remind you this is a town of roughly 6,000?] I get about 1000 feet from the bus when I get a flashlight shoved in my face and "ARE YOU A STUDENT???"
Uh, yeah. I told him I was just trying to get home and that I lived literally a block down that street. But they had the whole thing roped off and he made me cross the street and walk on the opposite side of a fence (in the cemetery) and down two blocks to get around the blockade so I could get home. He actually thanked me for doing so and said "don't want you to get nabbed for something you didn't do"... gee, thanks sir.

So... Monday, I get to class, and one of the guys in class got arrested during the big "riot". All he did was stand and watch the cops with the riot gear marching down the street. All he did was stand between two houses. All he did was not go inside when the cops told them to. And he got arrested and thrown into the school bus with handcuffs on. Not to mention the fact he is 22 and was drinking legally but not drunk. And also that one of the guys on the bus was sprayed with some kinda gas and then they had to take everyone back off the bus cuz everybody else was getting sick and couldn't breathe. Nice move by that cop, eh? Bottom line : power hungry cops in a small town with nothing better to do. I don't condone the behavior, but holy sacred cows... freakin' RIOT GEAR. Can you believe that. 100 COPS. ONE HUNDRED.

Of course, the best thing about the whole sorted affair -- Some guy who actually didn't get arrested took out his video camera and caught the whole thing on tape. hehehehe Some of his footage even made the evening news. :-)


More to come soon!


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